Game 1: Dbacks 11, Stagpack 1

Opening Day! In the absence of usual Opening Day starter Tom Gayef (who was on vacation with the wifey), the DBacks elected to go with soft-tossing lefty Axel Christoffersen vs. the predominantly left-handed lineup of the Stagpack.

Axel proceeded to baffle the undermanned Stagpack, who could only manage to round up five players each from Red Deer and Calgary to play. "We had to play our chew-only guys so we didn't forfeit," said Stagpack manager Shaun Connor after the game. "They were a little pissed - actually having to play the game really cut into their dipping time."

First game of the year and the Dbacks were already seeing a shortage of second-basemen. To fill this gap, the Dbacks called up top prospect Brad Regehr from Acme. His new regimen of every-day heavy deadlifts paid off, as he put the entire DBacks squad on his back and, batting from the 9-hole, proceeded to go 2-4 with 4RBIs. There were likely some defensive web gems as well, but this reporter got blackout drunk after the game, and details are patchy, at best.

Overall, a slew of Stagpack errors and a walk parade allowed the DBacks to easily win their first game of the year, 11-1.

MVP: Brad Regher (2-4, 1R, 4RBI)
Vag Badge: Tom Gayef - missing opening day to be with the wife



Game 2: DBacks 12, Stagpack 3

Game 2 featured gentle giant and fireballer Ryan Saunders on the bump for the DBacks. The Stagpack should have all started their swings in the first game, because they were later than a 32-year-old gold digger at the end of her cycle.

When Saunders wasn't blowing it past Stagpack hitters, he was channeling his best Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh impression, dotting them in the back, legs, and ankles with uncharacteristically-wild pitches.

"He had the flowers in the back," said catcher Crash Davis. "Once he turned the garter around he started throwing strikes again."

Jaret Chatwood continued his allergic reaction to singles, going 2-4 with a double and a triple. "Chatty" has been an above-average pickup for the DBacks thus far.



MVP: Ryan Saunders (W, CG, 2ER, 6K)
Vag Badge: JB - first Sombrero of the year