Jokes

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? " The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk." Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead." Man: "What covers a house?" Dog: "Roof!" Man: "How does sandpaper feel?" Dog: "Rough!" Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog: "Ruth!" Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk." The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here." "Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"